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01 May 2006 @ 04:37 pm
Ok, so I managed to make my wife angry.

I try to be a good husband, I really do.

Here was my thought, with some background tossed in like a sprinkling of paprika.

We're nearing our 10th wedding anniversary. September. Naturally, I'm too poor and cheap to be able to upgrade her wonderful engagement ring, so I had a thought. Actually, the thought erupted while I was looking at an ad for a jewelry store (www.affinitystyle.com) in the local community rag. I recall really digging their rings, specifically those that show up on the top of the front page of the web site.

So, back to the lone thought. What if - and it was a really tentative "what if" - instead of upgrading her ring, we upgraded mine to a hip stainless steel setting with a small princess-cut (takes a REAL man to say that) sapphire to match hers so that we look even more wonder-twin-ish?

My current ring is great. No, really. I wear it every day and only take it off to show people the inscription ("To my fairy tale prince...") from my bride. It's a 10k band. That's it.

So I bring up this idea and I am hit with "so how long have you harbored this dislike for your wedding band, the one tangible symbol of our marriage?"

She was serious. She thought that I completely hated my wedding band and this was a plot to do away with it.

See, here's where Guy-Logic(tm) differs from Chick-Logic(tm). Guys tend to move in this blissfully-happy Disney-like world where things are simple and those who say what they say mean what they say, of course, unless they are lying, at which point they appear like this big Disney-like villain. Women seem to move in a world where what someone says is far less important than what they were wearing, what they were doing, etc. It's really in the details, I guess, and guys generally don't need them. For us, things are straightforward.

So when I said what I said to my wife, which included a "why dont we go to the store together and you can pick out what you would like to give me" so that she would feel more like she had selection in the gift and also clearly stating that this was just an idea, not an "I'm leaving home if you don't buy me this ring" statement, I meant what I said.

She heard, "I hate you and your taste in everything."

See, women. DOn't get 'em a lot of the time, and I have been in training for two decades. For example, let me demonstrate a recent phone call between me and a buddy who wanted to know if we could go to dinner with him and his wife.

Me: Uh-huh.

Him: So, can you guys go to Fong's House of Frog Parts tonight? You know, they have that "all you can eat on a gibbet" special...

Me: I'd love to, but we've got soccer practice tonight and probably cant go after the game.

Him: You know, my Mom has cancer.

Me: Man, that's rough. She doing okay?

Him: Yeah, she'll probably do chemo soon.

Me: Wow. That's rough. You holding up ok?

Him: Yeah. Ok, gotta run. Wife's home and we gotta figure out where to go to dinner.

Me: Ok. Later.

So, I get off the phone and the wife says, "WHo was that?" So I tell her. "What did he want?" So I tell her he invited us to dinner and that his Mom has cancer. Pretty much, I've delivered all the info I have access to. She wants to know at what restaurant, if his wife was going, what she was wearing, how work was going for him, if their kids were going to summer camp, how his wife's horticulture class was going, if the mother was taking herbal remedies and if he thought her hair might fall out because we could definitely sponsor something from Locks of Love and when we could visit her in the hospital and what hospital she was at and if that hospital had a good cafeteria and...

You get the point.

Guys: Get the info. Move on. Case closed.

Women: Get the info. Get more info. Get the important info. Get the middling info. Get the useless and tiresome info. Then ask some more questions. Case slightly ajar.

So, what do the women think I should have done?
Rosebloodstarlytehu on May 1st, 2006 02:06 pm (UTC)
It sounds like there is some sort of insecurity and mistrust coming from her- either by your conditiong, or something outside of this situation is weighing in on this. A secure woman in a mature relationship probably wouldn't internalize an incident like this. Is there something else going on that her reaction may be a symptom of?

Please don't blame either those stories on "women's logic" or emotions.

The latter story- she's trying to make a framework for the situation- If we go to dinner- how much effort will I need to put into getting ready? Do you know anything about their ongoing activities so I have dinner conversation ready? I want to show concern for his mom, what do you and and ... how can I show proper concern? ETC.

I'm tired and this might not be a complete answer to your question. But hopefully it will start dialogue.
Kiwi Mariakiwiria on May 1st, 2006 11:48 pm (UTC)
I kinda see where your wife is coming from in the first story if she was the one to give you your first ring. If you bought it together with the knowledge that you'd (plural you) want to get something different once you could afford it, then that's one thing, but if she thought she was giving you this 'for life', then I understand that she'd be hurt when you suggested getting a new one. No matter what your intentions were, it would sound like 'this one isn't good enough, I want something better'.

I think it's a sweet thought, that you'd want matching rings, but if I were your wife, I'd rather that you kept the ring I got you for our wedding, than that you exchange it for one that matches mind.

That's not to say I don't think she overreacted - from what you wrote, she definitely did - but I can understand her feelings.
babyfevertimebabyfevertime on May 8th, 2006 04:00 pm (UTC)
I'd be really embarrassed and hurt if my husband bought himself (or wanted to buy himself) a new wedding band, even if it were to match mine. That would tell me he wants something different than what I lovingly chose. To tell you the truth, for you to spend the money on yourself as your idea of a present for the anniversary sounds pretty self-centered. Shouldn't you either get something you can both celebrate or at least suggest to buy something for her?